As a few of us begin to move from the Spring of our lives into the next season, sometimes we just start to…change and change without prior warning. Hey! What’s up with that???
Now you may or may not be thinking that this solely relates to age but I believe that there could be more.
Maybe the ‘more’ is a cross-pollination of thoughts and ideas made from your own eye and ear observations, or others’ opinions massaging and assaulting you, or your own positive and negative experiences producing a different hybrid flowering of your own perceptions.
Or how about this: it is the accumulation of life struggles that instead looks like a savings account built by pennies of experience locked away somewhere to be drawn from at a later and more convenient time.
But if you’re more favourable to the maturity thing, I know I’ve come across several people younger and older than me that are more insightful than someone double in age from me or themselves.
It’s fascinating what triggers a transitional shift that touches off a new period of where we think we are and where we believe we are going.
Where are you in your life right now? No, seriously, where ARE you?
Me? It appears that my life is taking shape based on the late Charles Bukowski’s prose. I recently withdrew my application from a potential government-based position after 14 weeks into the process and remain on the cusp of finishing my degree and have 5 courses left (one full-time term). Five doesn’t sound like a lot but please believe me when I say it’s the equivalent of two full-time jobs (and without pay).
Since making the firm decision of going back to university FT in 2012, please believe me when I tell you that I hit every xylophone bar of different emotions between the academic process and the strain of sacrifice for the illusion or real security of a greater good.
The range moved back and forth from happiness, satisfaction, frustration, exasperation, feeling fed up/beat up, renewed, defeated, broken, healed, “jailed” and “on parole” (from school terms of course and not the penal system), feeling successful, feeling like a failure, satisfied, scared, euphoric, depressed, feeling invisible to feeling seen and recognized, losing self-esteem, gaining insight, and all at the same time it’s as if I ran a marathon while standing still for the last few years.
During school, I lost one of my pets due to long-term illness, and for a while almost lost a parent too for similar reasons. No amount of care, compassion, or support will ever completely stall the status of someone’s else life or death situation. It’s a different season that sits just outside the regular calendar (for all of us I guess..).
So maybe you’re in the same situation as me where you may be parachuting down from some remote point and the ground is now coming into focus but are unsure which direction you should head into once you land.
After school is complete I would love to move somewhere new and start a unique and different life (been researching 1-2 states in particular). It seems that I have already done and experienced everything I can where I am now.
However, I have never been much of a mover from home to home (no really, I should change my name to Stonehenge ha ha). I feel terrified to make a huge change on my own and yet all the while worry about the regret from letting fear take the lead keeping my life on ice and do nothing.
Have you ever felt this way? Do you know anyone with or without regrets over life changes? Is there anything that makes you feel fearful that you want to get past?
A small note about the cross stitch, I dyed the linen piece with green, yellow, and blue RIT dye using brush strokes and the fabric count is between 28-32 pt.